(trïb' e•lek' tik)
COCKEYED COUSIN LUTHER
Have I ever told you about my inbred Cousin Luther? Well, besides being cockeyed and crazy acting at times, he’s pretty sharp when it comes to common sense. He has never learned to drive and don’t really want to. He does drive a tractor on his farm but the local sheriff forbids him to ever drive it to town because the last time he did he was drunker than Cooter Brown and we all have partied with a Cooter Brown in our lifetime so you can relate.
On that faithful day, he ran over Reverend Millstone’s six year old son breaking his legs and then up on a fire hydrant that was being urinated on by Gus Shelton’s Blue Tic Hound. Yeah boy! He nailed that hydrant while that dog was in mid stream! Scared that dog so bad that sucker ran off yelping at the top of his lungs down Main Street and we haven’t seen him since and that was three years ago!
After the dust had settled and the tractor finally stopped against the courthouse, Gus Shelton was running down Main Street yelling for old Blue. A geyser of water was shooting 50 feet in the air where the hydrant used to be and Reverend Millstone was shouting profanity so rapidly while shaking his fist we were all wondering if he was secretly a Longshoreman posing as a minister. All the while his son was crying and screaming his head off from the pain of his now broken legs.
It was an odd sight I tell you. His knees were straight up like normal but his feet were completely backwards and he had tractor tire marks across his little bare broken bird legs! We thought it was funny as hell but we had to keep it down for fear of our newly violent minister and his wrath! He looked just like Hannibal Lecter with a fork in his hand and that leather mask on. I’ve never been able to get that out of my mind and go back to church since. Yep, a day we all around here will soon never forget.
Well one day last month, my inbred Cousin Luther walked into town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the Co-Op store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry his entire purchases home?
He thought and thought and then the livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" Luther rolled his eyes up in his head for a second or two, grinned and said, "Hey, thanks man! I’ll try it out!" With that, he got all situated and was soon on his way.
So there he was all loaded up making it back home to the farm, minding his own business when he ran into Old Lady Hamilton who told him she was lost. Now Old Lady Hamilton was a retired librarian that was about 90 years old and had a glass eye. She still gets around pretty good but she left her right mind on the door step of New Years Eve 1975 if you know what I mean.
Well she asked Luther, "Can you tell me how to get to Highway 42?" Luther trying to be helpful and looking from eye to eye because he didn’t know which one was the real one and which one was the glass one said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live right off Highway 42 Mrs. Hamilton. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley and we'll be there in no time."
Old Lady Hamilton then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me and I'm blind in one eye. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't rape me?" Luther’s cockeyes about popped out of his head and he shouted, "Holy $hit, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and rape you?"
Old Lady Hamilton not missing a beat said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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I just know I'm gonna laugh
Posted on November 5, 2009, 3:54 am"somedays your the bug,--and somedays your the windshield"
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That was a good one! Next
Posted on November 5, 2009, 6:56 amThat was a good one! Next time a little old lady asks me for directions I hope I can keep from laughing lol.
Can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean, when I'm not free to be as freaky as I want to be?
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Hahaha! I was feeling really
Posted on November 5, 2009, 7:29 amHahaha! I was feeling really tired and silly last night and just started writing. This is my mind on very little sleep. So now you know. Thanks guys!
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA...Good one
Posted on November 5, 2009, 7:48 amHAHAHAHAHAHA...Good one Mike. And I love the picture!! The story wouldn't be the same w/out it.
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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I have to show this one to
Posted on November 5, 2009, 7:59 amI have to show this one to my wife, a librarian.
She doesn't have any glass eyes. lol Great story Mike!!!
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Glad I could brighten your
Posted on November 5, 2009, 10:43 pmGlad I could brighten your day. I hope your wife likes it!
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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OMG, how did I miss this?
Posted on November 13, 2009, 9:04 pmOMG, how did I miss this? Hugo, you're twisted. That's all there is to it.
Did I mention I love twisted people? Specially if they're pierced!
If you find yourself embroiled in a contentious campaign, or stuck at a frat party, go ugly early.
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You do? Then you must love
Posted on November 13, 2009, 9:17 pmYou do? Then you must love me! Hahahaha!
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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telling this story in
Posted on November 14, 2009, 7:18 amtelling this story in chinese was hilarious! Damn Im ganna have to drink more hehe THX Mike!
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You are so welcome scott!
Posted on November 14, 2009, 7:20 amYou are so welcome scott! Anytime!
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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mike hugo wrote:You do? Then
Posted on November 14, 2009, 9:09 amIf you find yourself embroiled in a contentious campaign, or stuck at a frat party, go ugly early.
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subtlemagik wrote:mike hugo
Posted on November 14, 2009, 7:57 pmJust your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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No way!!! We love seeing the
Posted on November 14, 2009, 8:42 pmNo way!!! We love seeing the "Love". The world needs more of it!!
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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if everything goes to PM's
Posted on November 14, 2009, 9:48 pmif everything goes to PM's it wouldn't be as entertaining haha
Can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean, when I'm not free to be as freaky as I want to be?
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OMFG it's luxx.. WooHoo!!!
Posted on November 14, 2009, 9:51 pmOMFG it's luxx.. WooHoo!!! Subtle, where are ya? luxx is back,lol
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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Mmmmm just got back from
Posted on November 14, 2009, 9:58 pmMmmmm just got back from chinese food and drinks, leaving the house is getting expensive!
Can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean, when I'm not free to be as freaky as I want to be?
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Tell me about it. That's why
Posted on November 14, 2009, 10:03 pmTell me about it. That's why we stay in a lot this time of year. In the summers it's so easy to just head to the beach or a park to hang out. But, once it starts getting cold, it's movies and wii time,lol!!! Plus, that is my favorite time to do a lot of home cooked meals. We can't afford to eat out having 6 of us in the family.
And dammit, you made me hungry talking about chinese food. I love some cashew chicken and sweet and sour pork,lol.
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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Luxxie!! Chinese + drinks =
Posted on November 14, 2009, 10:39 pmLuxxie!! Chinese + drinks = goooooood.
Egad, I played wii aaaallllllll day babysitting my nephew. Zelda is my bitch!
If you find yourself embroiled in a contentious campaign, or stuck at a frat party, go ugly early.
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HAHAHAHA, I suck at video
Posted on November 14, 2009, 10:47 pmHAHAHAHA, I suck at video games, but the wii bowling has sucked me in. I am still trying to get pro on that frickin game. I keep getting sooooo close, then nothing, dammit. I'm pretty good with the turkeys though,LOL
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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LMAO !!! Great Mike,at 1st I
Posted on November 14, 2009, 10:56 pmLMAO !!! Great Mike,at 1st I thought you were talking about one of my relatives !!! So I didn't take the time to read it.I'm kinda a look at the pictures type guy. hehehe
But I started reading and couldn't stop,then couldn't stop smiling.Thanks for the laugh and from now on I'll stop and enjoy,you have such a gift for writing...Maybe you should be working for a newspaper or write your own book;you would be really good at it!It is truly one of your gifts,we all have something,ya know?
And btw the picture is priceless !!
Pierced and Proud of it !
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silvertip wrote:you have
Posted on November 14, 2009, 11:12 pmIf you find yourself embroiled in a contentious campaign, or stuck at a frat party, go ugly early.
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To Silver and Subtle: Thank
Posted on November 15, 2009, 7:51 amTo Silver and Subtle: Thank you so much for your nice compliments. I have the biggest grin on right now and that makes me feel really good.
Looking back I did really well on all the papers that I wrote in grad school. My thesis was really good but I do have a thread now that I think about it. I do more than just report something. I try to relate to it and make it human. One of our most enchanting human traits is our ability to humorize anything. It makes us able to read these stories and make it into a movie. I want you, the reader, to see yourself there actually witnessing the event. Simply, I want you to relate and thus make the connection. I love hearing how you reacted while you were reading one of my stories over a cup of coffee. (Sorry Luna for the mess) It just makes my day.
If I didn't know any better I would think that Subtle wants me to get a job at a newspaper. I would but they just had a huge layoff too.
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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You are forgiven Mike. I
Posted on November 15, 2009, 10:51 amYou are forgiven Mike. I should've known better than to try and eat or drink anything while reading your blogs,lol. And speaking of blogs, there is money to be made in that. Here is just a random article that I found, but there are many more out there.
http://www.problogger.net/make-money-blogging/
With all the people online these days, there are probably many ways to earn money. You've got a great imagination, now use it!! LOL
“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”
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I loved that story and can
Posted on November 15, 2009, 12:18 pmI loved that story and can imagine stories like that are true where my BF is from. lol
You definitely have a gift for writing.
Life is short; enjoy your pain.
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Luna and Jwiggles thank you
Posted on November 15, 2009, 8:10 pmLuna and Jwiggles thank you so much! You both make me grin so big and also wonder how someone goes about all this stuff. Thanks for the article Luna. I'll read it now.
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.
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Just think of all that Kiss
Posted on November 15, 2009, 8:19 pmJust think of all that Kiss merchandise you can buy with that extra blog money...
Can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean, when I'm not free to be as freaky as I want to be?
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hahahaahaha! So far it don't
Posted on November 15, 2009, 10:41 pmhahahaahaha! So far it don't look like it pays that much Luxx ol boy! Right now I'm not buying anything not even that new CD.
Just your average white collar guy with some major steel in his pants.